Moving On
http://jdwoww.wordpress.com
Since all the cool kids are on Wordpress now, and I want to be cool, that's where I'm going.
Just kidding. There are lots of cool people on Blogger. I just got a bit restless with the interface, plus I may be using Wordpress for school or future business ventures so I wanted to try and consolidate. (And...Wordpress maybe does have just a teensy bit more nerd-cred, of which I could always use more, right?) All my old posts have been imported to the new blog, but this one will not be updated anymore.
Ways of Knowing
Today I interviewed for a part-time position as a Youth Programs Coordinator for a nonprofit group in the district where I went to school. It is anywhere from 10-20 hours and would probably focus more on the mentoring aspect of teaching that I enjoy...but also the administrative tasks that I tend to be good at but don't necessarily enjoy that much.
I know the first year of teaching tends to be hard, and there were many confounding factors that made my year in Lima particularly brutal. While I have applied and received interest from non-teaching jobs, I find it hard to imagine myself doing anything else but classroom teaching. I'm trying to figure out whether that's because I really do belong in the classroom, or because that's what I'm trained and prepared to do, which doesn't necessarily indicate that is the best fit for me.
Can I know if I never try anything else? Can I know based only on one year? If I approach it like a scientist, all I can do is decide whether to rule out classroom teaching, not "prove" that something else is the best, and I really don't think I can do that based on one year on my own in a school situation very similar to that in which I student-taught. On the other hand, my intuition told me to leave that position, not knowing what would be waiting for me at home. It was kind of like my decision to go off anti-depressants: I didn't know what was going to happen to me, but I knew I was miserable enough on them that I would take my chances anyway.
In fact, I think this whole year has been about learning to let go of what I have in hand, that is not necessarily the best for me, for the mere chance--not a guarantee!--of something better. When viewed in the light of God's many promises, taking that chance doesn't seem *quite* as scary, and I'm working to get back to the place where uncertainty means unlimited potential.
Re-entry
I feel very much as though I am returning from Mars, or at least a 10-month mission trip even though I wasn't gone that long. And if I think about it, my fall from the face of the earth started about 18 months ago, so it has been quite some time since I was truly connected to a community. I feel like I have so much catching up to do, and fortunately I have the summer off in which to do it. (I think the longer I stay in the 9-3 academic year calendar, the harder it will be to leave...) I am also well aware that it will not be like this forever, and eventually I will have to find a way to maintain this level of self-care sustainably.
Heart(of)felt
As excited as I am to be home, it was surprisingly difficult to turn my school keys in Tuesday and leave my apartment today. I realized today that I've been feeling moderate separation anxiety all week, and it seems that transition is always going to be a challenge for me. Wherever I go and whatever I do, I tend to form deep attachments regardless (or perhaps because?) of how generally miserable things may be, and so parting tends to be traumatic even under the best of circumstances.
Daily Affirmation
If the time we shared wasn't something special, it wouldn't hurt so much to say goodbye.