A few months ago we had a series of discussions in church titled, "Wabi-sabi," which refers to the Japanese aesthetic beauty in the imperfect. The timing of that series coincided with the "crucible" period of my recovery from eating disorder. Just now, as I was uploading my profile picture, I got another dose of wabi-sabi from nature.

This was taken in the butterfly habitat of our local conservatory. I titled this shot, "Survivor," in honor of the wound, but I just realized that I can only see the beauty of the far wing because of the tear in the near one! And Lord, if that isn't a timely message. Several weeks ago a friend of mine asked if I would be willing to have another relationship that did not turn out to be "the one." During my prayer time on Saturday, I finally said, "Yes," even though I was afraid of irretrievably losing some part of myself during the process, because I realized that is what change is all about and maybe that's what it would take to make me the woman my husband could marry. But then hearing the song, "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts, triggered a reflux of remembered/anticipated pain that almost had me saying No forever. But...I won't.

Unbreakable (Maia Sharp)

This time I really took a hard fall
I never thought I'd get myself back
Together trying to do it all alone
Next time will I have the courage
To face it or take my broken heart and
Replace it with a block of stone?

I don't want to be unbreakable
Safe from anyone who could ever love me
Perfect and empty
I'd rather a crack in a glass half full
I don't want to be unbreakable

I want someone who could wreck me
But wouldn't if I'm ever gonna get this right
I shouldn't think I'd be a stranger to pain
Same love that's strong enough to hurt me
Is gonna be strong enough to save me
It'll all be in vain if I remain unbreakable

What else can I do?
As bad as it feels to be broken in two,
I don't want to be unbreakable.

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go.
("Leave the Pieces," The Wreckers)

He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
("Teardrops on My Guitar," Taylor Swift)

It don't hurt anymore
All my teardrops are dried
No more walkin' the floor
With that burnin' inside
Just to think it could be
Time has opened the door
And at last I am free
I don't hurt anymore
("It Don't Hurt Anymore," Martina McBride)

I've never been the kind that you'd call lucky
Always stumbling' around in circles
But I must have stumbled into something
Look at me
Am I really alone with you
I wake up feeling like my life's worth living
Can't recall when I last felt that way
Guess it must be all this love you're giving
Never knew never knew it could be like this
But I guess...
("Some Hearts," by Carrie Underwood)